I haven't been posting much lately and I'm not completely sure why. I think its a combination of things like being exhausted, not feeling like writing and feeling uninspired. I've been working a lot in the last couple weeks and its taking its toll. Also, I don't want to write just for the sake of posting something, I want it to matter. Anyhow, here goes...
Like I said, I've been working a lot lately. I'm not sure how it happened, but my scheduled managed to get pretty jam-packed over the last couple weeks. Sure, I still have my days off, but they seem fewer and further between than previous. With all this working of back-to-back-to-back 12 hour shifts, you'd think I'd fall into bed at night and pass out once my head hit the pillow. Unfortunately for me that hasn't been the case. I've never had a problem falling asleep until now.
Despite my eyes being heavy and my inability to stop yawning on my drive home, I would lie in bed wide awake with the shift's events running through my brain. I found myself thinking about this patient or that wondering if I messed something up or worrying about a frustrated parent. I know this isn't totally uncommon for people working in medicine, in fact I used to feel like the odd one out because I hadn't experience it. This was the first time it had ever happened to me and it was happening every night after work. Did I do a good job suturing? Did I miss something on that patient's presentation? Will that patient bounce back? Do my attendings think I'm totally incompetent?
It may sound crazy, but those were actual thoughts. I found myself second-guessing almost everything I had done each day. Worrying myself to the point where I couldn't sleep. A couple nights I ended up on the couch with the TV on to drown out my thoughts because that's the only way I could actually get some sleep.
It took me speaking with a colleague in a different department before I realized why this was happening. Starting tomorrow I will be acting a sole provider. By that I mean I will no longer have to check out every patient to an attending physician. I will still have the option to do so (and required to do so on some) but I will have the ability to see, diagnose, treat and discharge my own patients without that second opinion. I think the knowledge/anticipation of this change was sitting in the back of my mind and that's why I've been second-guessing myself so much lately.
Once realizing the root cause (and checking on my patient's charts a week later realizing none had come back due to my ineptitude), I was able to work things through. I'm still new at all this. I'm not going to be an expert and I'm not expected to be one. However, I am intelligent, learn quickly and can apply what I learn. I will do my absolute best and if I can't figure it out, I have a great resource in my colleagues and attendings. Also, there's a difference between a healthy and unhealthy amount of doubt/second-guessing.
I'm happy to report that after my last several shifts I was able to fall asleep. Sure, I still think about my patients and sometimes doubt things, but those thoughts are no longer keeping me up at night. I have a feeling my first several shifts "solo" will bring back the sleepless nights, but I have some new coping tools. And if all else fails, my couch is a pretty comfy spot to sleep...